


what if who i hoped to be (was always me?)

by ftmpeter



Series: i never promised you your dream boy [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Trans Male Character, Trans Peter Parker, and he gets one because i said so, i don’t know so you won’t either, i probably need therapy, not really set in a specific time, so it could be after homecoming/before iw or endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-19 13:18:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20657882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ftmpeter/pseuds/ftmpeter
Summary: "I’m.. trans. Transgender."Thatwas nowhere near what Tony was expecting.





	what if who i hoped to be (was always me?)

**Author's Note:**

> warning: there is a brief bit of internalized transphobia with peter referring to himself as abnormal. this is not to say that trans people aren’t normal. we are. he’s simply still stuck in what society tells him because that shit is tough to unlearn. just a heads up
> 
> <3

Tony knows the moment Peter comes into the compound that something is up.

It’s the middle of a heat wave, yet he’s wearing a sweatshirt about three sizes too big for him, one that’s ugly and faded with age. He hugs his chest almost unconsciously, like he’s trying his best to disappear. His hands shake as he works alongside Tony, handing him wires and bolts for their latest project, and there’s dark circles under his eyes.

"How was school, kid?" Tony prompts, hoping it doesn’t come off as prying. They’ve grown closer over the past few months, though, so really, the only thing making Tony think it could is his own worries.

"Fine," Peter answers, sounding faraway. He pushes up his sleeves absentmindedly, eyes trained on the table.

"Very descriptive, I can practically imagine it," Tony drawls. Peter doesn’t seem to register that for a second, but when he does, he flinches.

"S-Sorry, Mr. Stark," he mumbles.

Tony frowns. Peter has a tendency to apologize for everything, even for things that don’t warrant it. But he doesn’t respond, not sure of what to say, and they continue working in silence.

-

"Let’s take a break," Tony says about an hour later, setting his wrench down with a sigh. Damn. He’s really craving some Chinese food. And it’s rare for him to remember to eat at all, so. Why not?

No response.  "Kid?"

Peter jumps from where he stands by his table, head snapping up. "Yeah?"

"I said, let’s take a break. It’s almost dinner, aren’t you hungry?"

He’s quick to shake his head, much to Tony’s confusion. "N-no. I mean, I had, uh, a big lunch today."

"A big lunch," Tony repeats dubiously. "You complained the other day about how badly the food at Midtown sucks. Did they go gourmet over night?"

Peter blushes.

They head out to the kitchen anyway. Tony orders the food as Peter takes a seat at the island. He looks over when he hangs up and raises an eyebrow at Peter’s fidgeting - he wouldn’t be surprised if he started pacing back and forth. On the ceiling.

"Hey, are you okay?" Tony sits down as well, past curious now and on his way to concerned. Peter very rarely acts like this.

"I’m fine," he says. "Just, um, didn’t get a lot of sleep last night."

"Okay kid, I’ll take your word for it. But I’m here for you, you know that, right?"

Peter nods. He looks down at his sleeves, mindlessly tugging at a loose thread.

"I’m," Peter starts, then stops. Whatever internal conflict is going on inside his head, it looks physically painful. He grimaces. "I’m - I - fuck, this is hard."

"That’s okay," Tony says, calmer than he feels. His mind is awhirl with all the things that could be wrong, could be making the kid so uncomfortable. "Take your time."

Peter groans, pressing his palms against his eyes briefly. He takes them off, blinking in the light, before looking up at Tony with a pained expression.

"I don’t know how to say this," he says desperately. "It’s - it’s - it’s a lot."

Tony’s natural instinct in stressful situations like these is to joke, no matter how many times Pepper has scolded him for it. "Well, the life of Tony Stark is, according to most people, a lot. Hit me."

"I’m.. trans. Transgender."

_That_ was nowhere near what Tony was expecting. He opens his mouth to say something, but Peter beats him to it.

"I wasn’t - I grew up as a - I was - Peter’s not my birth name," He says quickly, all of the words falling over each other. "I - I’m a trans guy, May and Ned know but no one else does, they think I’m - think I’m normal, Mr. Stark, I’m sorry - "

"Pete - "

Peter stands up suddenly, taking a few steps back. He hits the wall and sinks down, pulling roughly at his hair. "I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, fuck, I really messed up - "

"Pete!" Tony says, effectively stopping him from rambling more. He gets up, slowly lowering himself to the ground as well and putting a hand on his shoulder so he doesn’t stumble. "Pete, breathe."

He’s doing the exact opposite of that. His chest heaves as he gasps for air, and it takes Tony a minute to realize it happening to someone other than himself - he’s having a panic attack.

"Hey, hey, breathe. Follow my breaths, okay?" Tony squeezes his shoulder, trying to remind the kid that he’s here. He takes large, exaggerated breaths as a guide for Peter to follow, inhaling for seven seconds and exhaling the same. "You’re okay, Pete. You’re okay."

It takes a bit, quiet except for their breathing and Tony’s soft reassurances, but Peter eventually regains control of himself. He’s still extremely shaky, but shit, who wouldn’t be?

"I - I’m sorry," he mumbles, voice muffled from his hands shielding his face. "I didn’t mean to freak out - "

"None of that, kid. I’ve seen worse. Shit, I’ve _had_ worse."  If the admittance of Tony having panic attacks is a surprise to Peter, he doesn’t show it.

"You’re not mad?" He croaks, his eyes hesitantly poking out from between his fingers as he looks up.

Tony frowns. "Why would I be mad?"

"I.. I-I lied. About being trans - "

He quickly shakes his head at that.

"No. Nope. Not allowed to say that, kiddo. It’s against the rules."

"But - "

"Hey," Tony says, more seriously this time. "I want you to listen to me, okay?"

Peter nods, tear stains on his cheeks. He goes to wipe at them, but Tony grabs his hands in his own before he can and looks at him intently.

"You didn’t lie to me. You hid it from me because you were  _scared._ And no one can blame you for that. The world is scary and people are mean and sometimes you don’t know who you can trust. Sometimes you don’t know if you can trust anyone at all.

"That doesn’t mean you lied, Peter," Tony continues. He cups his chin, an uncharacteristically soft gesture. "Even if you did, I still wouldn’t be mad. Your comfort comes first. And if that meant not telling me, well, I’m okay with that."

Peter’s mouth opens and closes, like he wants to protest, but no words come out.

"But you did tell me. And that.. that’s brave, Pete. That’s really fucking brave, braver than anything any dumb superhero has ever done. And I’m proud of you. For trusting me, and for putting an important piece of yourself out there.  _I’m proud of you._"

Tony runs his thumb across a patch of Peter’s skin, gazing at him. "So no, I’m not mad. I never will be, okay? Not about this."

Peter stares at him. Then, abruptly, starts crying again.

"Oh, fuck," Tony says, immediately carding a hand through his curls in an attempt to comfort. "Did I say the wrong thing? Because I’m not really good at - "

He cuts off with a soft _oof_ because Peter quickly reaches forward and wraps his arms around Tony’s sides, hanging on like it’s his only anchor to life.

They sit like that for a while, Peter’s cries turning into quiet hiccups. Eventually he composes himself enough to lean back, moving out of Tony’s grip and sniffling all the while.

"You good now?" Tony says, barely above a whisper so as to not startle him.

"Y-Yeah. Thank.. thank you, Mr. Stark."

"Of course."

"N-no, I mean, thank you for, for not making a big deal out of it, like, I think I did more than you, honestly, but. Yeah."

"You gotta stop being down on yourself." Tony taps his fingers against his jeans. "And of course. It’s not a big deal if you don’t want it to be. It’s just.. you. Spider-kid. You’re always gonna be dorky little Peter to me, no matter what. Well, unless you don’t want to be called that, then, that’s fine - "

Peter laughs. "I get it, Mr. Stark."

He shoves him away playfully at that. "Hey. Rude. I’m being nice. This is how you repay me for being nice?"

"Yup."

"I will ground you, don’t think I won’t."

Tony grunts as he stands up again, Peter with him. He swings an arm around the boy’s shoulders, bringing him in so his head is against his chest. "Hey, kid. Just realized something."

"Yeah?"

He smirks, even though Peter can’t see it. "Can I call myself transparent now? Considering you’re, you know, and - "

"I will literally pay you to never speak again, oh my God."

**Author's Note:**

> trans masc ppl who love peter parker and project onto him as a coping mechanism raise your hands
> 
> i wrote this in an hour pls be gentle


End file.
